TECHnical difficulties
I just absolutely want to scream. I'm just so frustrated. I admit I am a little greedy right now. I want good things to happen to me. Sometimes things appear on the horizon that may be promising. But guess what? It never works out. And now I just sit here taking it all in. I don't know who to talk to. I don't even know if I want to talk about it. Sometimes I just want to get far away from here and start over. I love my friends but I don't feel like I belong here a lot of times. Is it strange to feel that way?
You know, you spend most of your life looking. Even when you don't realize it, you're looking. They tell you that you'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking. HOW DO I STOP LOOKING?? Tell me!
I feel so helpless. Lonely. I hope I don't snap all of a sudden. Ed, it's times like this when I needed you the most, brother.
Everybody seems to be "getting" life better than me. When do I start to? Everybody has something to do. Something they call their own. Am I blind to what I have? Maybe so. Where is this so called life of mine? Is it in Ada? I don't know, but I feel like an Alien in this land. I don't fit in here. I don't know where I fit in but I know it's not here. Hopefully I can bear it for 12 more months. Wow... 12 months....
You know, you spend most of your life looking. Even when you don't realize it, you're looking. They tell you that you'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking. HOW DO I STOP LOOKING?? Tell me!
I feel so helpless. Lonely. I hope I don't snap all of a sudden. Ed, it's times like this when I needed you the most, brother.
Everybody seems to be "getting" life better than me. When do I start to? Everybody has something to do. Something they call their own. Am I blind to what I have? Maybe so. Where is this so called life of mine? Is it in Ada? I don't know, but I feel like an Alien in this land. I don't fit in here. I don't know where I fit in but I know it's not here. Hopefully I can bear it for 12 more months. Wow... 12 months....
Maybe when I die, they will bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ...
Brought To You By Coach K at
11/19/2005 09:23:00 PM
10 Comments:
I have a confidence issue. You know why? Because my life is a living example. It's always a given that when I talk to someone about my lack of a relationship then someone will bring up the "God will bring you somebody". I know it's true but give me a break. It's just tough for me, you know?
It's nice to be loved. It's been such a long time since it's happened for me. I miss that feeling with everything I have. Loneliness sets in, especially when it gets around the holiday season. I hate it.
I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me whenever things don't work out with a girl. People say, "Be yourself." Well? Where is that getting me? To here? To now? F that. And each time I strike out, my confidence decreases. And thoughts about me thinking there is something unattractive and undesirable about me is unescapable. It hurts everytime. And everytime is a little worse than the previous time.
I don't know what to do. I just don't. And I know I'm not alone. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm not worried about other people. This is about what I have to offer. And apparently it is nothing.
Is God telling me that I'm not ready? Perhaps. But I just don't have the assurance that anything will turn out good anymore. Just whenever I think things are going good for me, the opposite always occurs.
Why am I being so negative? Is it justified? YES! Because it's all true! Everytime that a girl is not interested in me or a girl didn't call me, people always want to tell me "Oh, you're overreacting." What I always think is, "She isn't interested in me." You know what? I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. THAT IS WHY I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF. IT IS JUSTIFIED. Now, if I was wrong a few times, then I would doubt what I'm saying. But there is no doubt anymore.
I don't believe it anymore when somebody says, "She doesn't deserve you." That must mean that NOBODY deserves me. I mean if nobody likes me then nobody deserves me. I call bullsh!t on that. When I find that somebody loves me for who I am, then I might change my mind on all of this. Until then, seeing is believing.
By
Coach K, at Sun Nov 20, 12:54:00 AM 2005
I thank you for all of your advice. I definetly see your point on what you've said. When I said, "Everybody seems to be getting life better than me. When do I start?" I'm not just talking about relationships. I hold myself to a high standard. And I don't think there is nothing necessarily wrong with that, it's just that I am never satisfied with settling for second best. I guess my rant is coming from me feeling like my life is stuck in a rut. I believe it will get better before it gets worse.
And as far as relationships go, I'll tell you where my frustrations also stem from. I see others who are together or engaged or married. I see what they have and I think, "I want that." I want someone to hold and to love. I dont know if that is being greedy. I don't think so. It just frustrates me when I can't find what I'm looking for. Whenever you lose the remote to the T.V., don't you get a little frustrated because you can't find it? You knew what life was like when you had it, and life was a little sweeter. Now you've lost it. You devote time to look for it. I see couples all the time and they look so happy. And I long for that happiness. Yes, I know relationships are much more than smiles. There are also heartaches and difficulties. I understand that. Maybe I do put more emphasis than needed on finding "her". But I can't help but think that I've done something wrong to not have found "her". Is God punishing me for something? That's the kind of things that go through my head.
Yes, I had a bad day yesterday and my writing reflects it. But what I said yesterday is something that I've wanted to say for a while. I guess I was just in the mood to express it.
And don't get me wrong. I do believe that I am blessed greatly for what God has given me in my life. But I have to do things myself with God guidance. I am not a robot where God is the kid who is operating the remote. I mean we have free will and we are responsible for our own actions.
What do I consider as a successful life? That's such a hard question to answer because I think it's relative to each person. I don't place status on occupation or the amount of money made in a year. I think if your happy doing something for a living, then I think you can consider yourself successful. I do put pride in what I've accomplished throughout my academic career. I also put pride on what I'm still trying to accomplish. I know that I'll do something that many people could only dream. And Rob, thanks for helping me realize that. What you said raises my spirits.
By
Coach K, at Sun Nov 20, 06:39:00 PM 2005
And just remember: There's lots and lots of remote controls out there.
By
Anonymous, at Sun Nov 20, 11:13:00 PM 2005
I don't know what that means.
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Coach K, at Mon Nov 21, 04:34:00 PM 2005
hey kent ya know what, you're not located in a very "user friendly" area as far as the video game of meeting people goes...just keep that in mind....you've only tapped into about 17,000 people of however many there are all over the place...
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Bryan Laramore, at Mon Nov 21, 07:20:00 PM 2005
All I can say is I know how you feel, the only thing that really pulls me through these hard times is knowing that the reason I haven't met "the one" is because the Lord is still perfecting us for one another, and how great it will be when we are together. Your in my prayers!
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Anonymous, at Tue Nov 22, 10:22:00 AM 2005
...and the Lord will continue to perfect you once you meet, believe me, it ain't anywhere near perfection when ya do meet...or at least once the prettiness of the relationship rubs off....whit and I constantly have to work so friggin hard for us to be on the same page....it works and it works out beautifully, don't get me wrong, but its anything and anywhere from even a glimpse of perfection! Kent, don't think that God will only put you together when you or the other is "ready"....cause you'll never be "ready" nor will they! It just comes as it does...and it will....
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Bryan Laramore, at Tue Nov 22, 03:08:00 PM 2005
oh, and don't think that I am unhappy about whit and I, I wouldn't have it any other way and if it was offered to me to have it any other way, I would kill off the offerer for even thinkin about it. it's just not what people make it out to be....love and all....but it's MORE than worth the hard A work....!!!!! Hell, one could be alone instead....or just put the hard work into it...
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Bryan Laramore, at Tue Nov 22, 03:11:00 PM 2005
we know how you feel about whit... teehee
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Scott, at Tue Nov 22, 05:42:00 PM 2005
Brother, you have to know where you are before you can get to where you are going. Looking is not the problem, once you figure out where you are the rest will take care of itself.
By
Anonymous, at Mon Jan 30, 12:30:00 PM 2006
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