It's the end of C-SPAN as we know it, and I don't feel fine
All good things must come to an end, right? Despite my best efforts of "being myself", it didn't work out. So, once again "being myself" screwed me over. I kept telling myself not to get too excited. And I guess it worked. Even though I'm disappointed at the inevitable, it still hurts. Not to say that she did anything wrong. No. She was honest to me. I respect that. So my grief isn't against her. But once again I'm doubting myself and what I have to offer people. I'm like C-SPAN, you know. I only attract weird people and once every blue moon I get someone "interested" in me but it only occurs due to an accident or somebody else has the controller. What is it about me? And the thing is I knew this was going to happen. I always see it about to happen. I've got a keen eye for this kind of thing. What a weird sixth sense I have.
It's just so frustrating having to start over again. Every first date I have (few and far between, mind you) I'm wishing it will be my last one. What's wrong with that? And when is this opportunity going to happen again? Like I said, few and far between. I guess I have to settle for being "just friends" once again. Man....... just when I thought I saw a distant rainbow on the horizon. I guess I have to keep on walking to find the next one. But I'm afraid this is going to be one of those Moses in the desert kind of adventures. I better bring sunscreen.
Everytime I'm around Bryan or Megan or one of my friends who is "loved", I always long for what they have. "Why not me?", I constantly ask myself. What am I doing wrong? Is it my appearance? My attitude? The way I walk? My asthma? My flat feet? My "Queen" addiction? My messy room? My truck(s)? My beliefs? My way of playing the drums? My cologne? My shoulder freckles? My education? My fractured left index finger? My movie taste? My family? My favorite food choice? My lack of confidence? My career? My pants? My shoestrings? My hair? My friends? My home? My computer? My ex-girlfriends? My addictions and chains? Me?
So call it greed, call it what you want. We all want to be loved. Tell me what's wrong with that.
Am I pathetic? Am I too focused on finding somebody? Do I define myself by who I have around me? Or not have around me? Is my life about whose hand I want to hold?
So here's a lesson to all of you: Think you're happy? Wait. It will change. Just like Oklahoma weather.
And now it's back to what I'm used to. Everything I hate. Welcome back this world of loneliness and longing. I'm back. I'll make myself at home once again. No, you better keep the light on. I'll turn it off when I'm ready. G'night.
It's just so frustrating having to start over again. Every first date I have (few and far between, mind you) I'm wishing it will be my last one. What's wrong with that? And when is this opportunity going to happen again? Like I said, few and far between. I guess I have to settle for being "just friends" once again. Man....... just when I thought I saw a distant rainbow on the horizon. I guess I have to keep on walking to find the next one. But I'm afraid this is going to be one of those Moses in the desert kind of adventures. I better bring sunscreen.
Everytime I'm around Bryan or Megan or one of my friends who is "loved", I always long for what they have. "Why not me?", I constantly ask myself. What am I doing wrong? Is it my appearance? My attitude? The way I walk? My asthma? My flat feet? My "Queen" addiction? My messy room? My truck(s)? My beliefs? My way of playing the drums? My cologne? My shoulder freckles? My education? My fractured left index finger? My movie taste? My family? My favorite food choice? My lack of confidence? My career? My pants? My shoestrings? My hair? My friends? My home? My computer? My ex-girlfriends? My addictions and chains? Me?
So call it greed, call it what you want. We all want to be loved. Tell me what's wrong with that.
Am I pathetic? Am I too focused on finding somebody? Do I define myself by who I have around me? Or not have around me? Is my life about whose hand I want to hold?
So here's a lesson to all of you: Think you're happy? Wait. It will change. Just like Oklahoma weather.
And now it's back to what I'm used to. Everything I hate. Welcome back this world of loneliness and longing. I'm back. I'll make myself at home once again. No, you better keep the light on. I'll turn it off when I'm ready. G'night.
Brought To You By Coach K at
12/01/2005 10:58:00 PM
8 Comments:
Stumbled across this blog and this may sound funny but i been in this situation before. What did she say when the "just friends" came into play. Time and time again this has happened to me in my relationships and they seem not to work out how i planned. If you don't mind me asking what happened, cause my last "person i was seeing" this happened to us and we never talked and i really missed it for quite sometime. Anywho i just wanted to reply on the blog (cause isn't that is what supposed to happen. "i've never done these things before")
lonely but found
By
Anonymous, at Fri Dec 02, 09:29:00 AM 2005
What happened? I'll try to tell what happened but I can't say too much, cause that's gotten me in trouble in the past on here. Who are you Mr./Mrs. Anonymous? Just curious.
I text messaged her last night asking her if bothered her by calling her. It was my insecurity coming out of me. I also said that I liked her and that I didn't want to overstep my bounds. She replied back and she did what she needed to do. I don't want to repeat exactly what she said on here. But she did it in a respectful way. I'm not mad at her nor do I hate her by any means. I'm mad at myself. So, please, anyone who reads this don't think anything bad about her. She is still an extremely nice girl who deserves the best. It's just not me that will spoil her. If you want to know kinda what happened then you can talk to me or send me an email. I would send you an email but I don't know who you are.
By
Coach K, at Fri Dec 02, 05:49:00 PM 2005
sorry kent i just read. Man, so much similarity between us to. Maybe it isn't your friends, but a friend. Talk to you soon.
by the way your blog hates me. the verification words are
uzukc
even the computer tries to remind me.
By
the rocket, at Sun Dec 04, 09:51:00 PM 2005
Sometimes the holidays are the worst of times. That's the times when you really want to share it with somebody.
By
Coach K, at Sun Dec 04, 10:20:00 PM 2005
My name.... no problem, Jared S.
I did not want you to go into details. I was just wondering to see if it was similar to my situations. Theres no need to disclose to much information cause i bet blogs in general could get a person in trouble. I have read some recently and they are kinda wild. but hey this ones interesting and fun to read and chat with people. Hope things work out for you and your relationships especially over the holiday season.
JS
By
Anonymous, at Mon Dec 05, 09:35:00 AM 2005
Where do I start??? Well I heard a song this morning that made me think of you and your situation... Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe. Even though you can not see, still beleive!God has someone great for you, God only wants the best for you, and obviously she wasn't it, not saying she isn't a great person, but just may not be what God has for you. I encourage you stand strong, hang in there, and stay focused on the Lord in this time.... there have been times when it is hard to remember this, but one thing I always try to remember is your time being single, is basicly your alone time with God, and yourself! Also... something that I have come to learn is meeting "the one" or being with someone doesn't make me...I think that so many people have the wrong thought process... when I meet the one I will be happy, when I get married I will be complete, when I am with someone I will never be lonely again. I belive relationships take a lot of work, I believe we need to be complete in ourselves, and in Christ, and know that we can make it on our own, with out that someone. Now don't get me wrong... I do want to meet that someone and I can't wait til it happens, but I think one of the reasons it has yet to happen is because I am learning things like this everyday! You are in my prayers, I hope all goes good for you, and I understand how much more you want to be with someone through the holidays, but isn't it better to be single in this time than to be with the wrong person?
By
Anonymous, at Mon Dec 05, 09:59:00 AM 2005
Thank you for your thought, everyone. Someone told me that I wouldn't want a girlfriend during the next couple of months anyway. You know with Christmas presents and Valentine Day gifts to worry about. I like to think of it as National Single's Awareness Day. That's what I've been calling it for the last several years.
I understand that having nobody is better than being with the wrong person in my opinion. That would be a whole new area of problems to deal with. And I'll probably look at the song "I still believe" by Jeremy Camp in a whole new light now. Thanks.
By
Coach K, at Mon Dec 05, 03:50:00 PM 2005
So I just started my new job and decided to read some of your blogs during down time at work.
I am guessing this is the girl you were talking about when I saw you at Papa Gjgjiorgjgjio's or however the heck they spell it.
(This is the perspective of just one girl, mind you, because we're all different.)
Really nice guys scare me. They come on strong in the "I really like you and respect you" way, and I panic because it takes me a long time to build up feelings that strong for someone.
It's easier to ditch the whole thing than politely say "no" all the time. I can't go from having my own time always to all of a sudden getting a call every night or several times a day. And I'm a "nice" girl, so I try to not be rude in any conversation, answer the phone, return calls etc. It gets exhausting when all I really want sometimes is some space and time.
Nice guys: Don't ask me how I feel about you, because I don't know yet. Don't ask me if it bothers me if you call me, be confident. If you're confident in yourself, I'll be more confident in you. But if you think something is wrong with you, maybe you're right, and I just haven't seen it yet.
It's a lot of factors for me. I can't speak for all women.
Hang in there, Kent. God's got great things planned for you.
By
Anonymous, at Thu Jan 05, 09:35:00 AM 2006
Post a Comment
<< Home