PeeWee's playhouse - read at your own risk

Going to the bathroom can be an adventure. You know? There are so many unwritten rules and regulations associated with bathroom etiquette. So many to follow. For instance, when a guy goes to urinate (aka, bringing the high heat), there is an unspoken rule as to how many times a guy can uh... how do you say..... dry off the wiggle stick. I have always gone by the "Rule of 3's". Three shakes is the limit before it's considered foreplay. But if you are going to exceed such a number you might as well.... uh..... nevermind.

But sometimes you just can't seem to take care of everything with 3 shakes. For some it may take up to 7 or 8 shakes to take care of business.

But you know you can shake it once or shake it 20 times, you're still going to get that one drop that that plans it untimely exit as your little king returns to his boxer kingdom. So the shake rule may not matter.

What about some other unofficial rules of bathroom etiquette? Like the rules about kiddie-size urinals. What do you do?

You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones that look like they were accidentally installed for an elementary school, the ones that look like they might be useful if for some reason you were to pee out of your knee. This demand resulted in several months of research and experimentation, in which my colleagues and I were able to come up with a series of questions which are useful in handling the kiddie-sized urinal situation appropriately.

Q1: Does the part of your male anatomy most crucial for peeing actually locate itself completely above the kiddie-sized urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 2.

Q2: Do you have to bend down to flush the urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 3.

Q3: Are you unable to see the urinal due to the protrusion of your stomach?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 4. (this might be a good rule of thumb for all urinals)

Q4: Would it be more comfortable for you to use the urinal standing on your knees?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, you check out ok. Go ahead and use that urinal!

One more that I'll handle right now: What do you do when there is two occupants using the urinal with two adjacent spaces next to them? Which one do you choose? Obviously you will just have to bite your lip and choose one. But before you approach the urinal of your choice, you go through this silent screening process. Does this guy seem like a good uripal? Would he be aggravated if I chose to pee beside him instead of the other guy? But you have to make this decision fairly quickly because the guys urinating notice your presence and would think of you as soon kind of pee stalker and this is how you get your kicks. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy.

Until next time, vaya con Dios. And uh... sorry about the material... it was on my mind and... uh... well, nevermind.