Happy %&%#@$% New Year

What better way to bring in the new year.... being alone..... again.

Mayhem Sam

You may see a lot of totally random and sometimes disturbing pictures in upcoming blogs. This will continue to happen until the "newness" of my digital camera wears off. Which may not be anytime soon. So, if you like really weird pictures, then you'll like what I will be posting. Because, hey, I'm weird.

In other news....

How 'bout them Sooners? Woohoo! They beat the Oregon Ducks 17-14 in the Holiday bowl Thursday night. It was intense watching it. But we won so it is all good. By the way, do you ever notice how in sports, people say "we" when the team they support wins? And when their team loses, they say: "Man, they suck"!

After the game a few friends (as well as people I've never met) went to WalMart. We were bored and wanted something to do. The whole reason for going was: 1: Cause a ruckus, 2: Get the police called on us, 3: Have fun, and 4: See this guy do the party boy thing from Jackass. We accomplished all four things, thank you very much. I'll post pictues later...

Last night I went to Chris' parents house for the biweekly dinner thing they have. It was awesome. My favorite part of the evening was the NCAA Football mini tournament we had. Which, of course, I won. We played 2 minute quarters. First game I won 28-22. The championship game I won 17-14. I won with a 45 yard field goal as time expired. Afterwards I got up and did a little dance. Didn't make a little love though.... Punched some people and then skinned a cat. Which there is more than one way to do it too.

Well, it's New Years Eve. I have no plans. Does that constitute me as a loser? I mean I have no problem admitting that... cause I am. But at least losers have plans sometimes. I'm just a loser with nothing to do. A bored loser....

No date.... nobody to kiss when the clock strikes midnight.... again.

Until next time, vaya con Dios.

Hrrrrrgggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey. Anybody know what I'm doing?

Sheesh... no wonder I can't get a date...

Big Spender

Ladies and gents.... my first picture taken with my new digital camera. Nice to know I paid $300 just to post pictures of myself on my blog.

A return to normalcy

I suppose I'll take a break from the hustle and bustle of bathroom "humor". I think I've grossed out enough females and gay guys that I might need to change the subject. So, here goes....

Ed came to Ada recently... it was good to see that little catholic-mexican again. We went bowling where I DOMINATED both games. The scores weren't too bad (133 and 126). I could have done so much better though. Good times, nonetheless. We did more than bowling of course. A fairly large group of people ate at Bandana's. I had the club sandwich. I strayed away from my normal routine of the chicken bowtie pasta. Thinkin' about it makes me hungry. Dang.

Anyways, it was good seeing Ed again. It was good to reminisce and share stories of old. We didn't get to go to Bed Bath and Beyond.... we didn't have enough time (anybody who has seen "Old School" should get that joke). Of course, we watched some of season 5 of Seinfeld. And by this time it was about 2 a.m. Yeah, some things never change. We didn't get to have a tub of ice cream. I was really lookin' forward to that too. There's always next time. We did make the computer make fun of Rob and Pip. Like I said... some things never change.

Ed, hope you come back up here soon. Without you up here, it is too normal... if there is such a thing up here. So, Ed, I thought I'd send you some ice cream via the blog. Enjoy!

Death on two legs

Isn't it funny and sad at the same time how your heart can be broken by someone and they don't even know it? Despite all the effort and the lack thereof, it always fails. You look forward with adoration and it looks back at you but just a brief time. But it looks through you to someone else. And there I am. On top of a mountain and at the same time in the depths of the valley. It's like a death on two legs. Fully clothed, I am, yet naked. I show the world who I am but afraid of the consequences. You say so much.

Do you like what you see? I am being myself. Here I am. Should I be him? Or him?

You say there is nothing to worry about. But I know who I am. You give me the same ol' cheap cliche's. I know them because I hear them so much. It screws my brain 'til it hurts. Why don't I close my eyes until the morning comes? Because I don't know how. Tell me how.

I see you yet I am invisible. Why can't you see me? Too busy playing games? But I saw you! I saw you! YOU DID NOT SEE ME! I'm here. I don't play games.

I'm tired. I'm going to close my eyes and let the unconscience world introduce me to the future.

Reset...

Stalemate

Imagine, if you will, a game of chess. Every piece is set in place awaiting the first move. But neither piece is moving. Only staring at each other. Nothing said. Nothing. Now, pick up the chess board. Now THROW IT AT THE WALL! Find the little horsies and find a hammer so you can destroy them into little horsy bits. Take the pawns and set them on fire. The bishops need to be cut into 57 pieces each. The rooks need a kick in the rook nuts while the queen is injected via needle with the plague. The king stands alone while staring down the barrel of a shotgun. BOOM!

What does this all mean? Chess = Me. Here's a mathmatical equation for you:

Kent + love life = Does that make sense now?

Triple XMas- A tribute

So,.... isn't there some kind of holiday or special event that takes place today? What was it...... dang.... I always forget things. You know, "they" say that as you get older, memory is the second thing to go. But I forget what the first thing was... Anywho.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS you all everybody! (That was hick on purpose).

I wonder what everyone does on Christmas. Not only people like us ("normal" people) but the politicians and actors of the world. For instance, Vin Diesel. You think he gets out of bed on Christmas morning in his underwear running to the tree to see what Santa brought him? If he's anything like me, by 5 minutes he's already on a Pixie Stix sugar high. Which isn't a bad thing.

So, here's to you Vin Diesel. Without you we wouldn't have enjoyed such movies as Saving Private Ryan, The Iron Giant, Pitch Black, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Fast and the Furious, A Man Apart, and The Pacifier. Vin, you are an American icon. Have a very Merry Christmas full of Pixie Stix and copies of "Jingle All the Way". It's a holiday "classic". (When I say "classic", I mean "crap")
Until next time, vaya con Dios. And never forget the true meaning behind Christmas.... Pixie Stix! Just kidding. This is a time to enjoy with family and friends and to celebrate the birth of OUR king, Jesus Christ. Merry Christmas everybody!

PeeWee's playhouse - read at your own risk

Going to the bathroom can be an adventure. You know? There are so many unwritten rules and regulations associated with bathroom etiquette. So many to follow. For instance, when a guy goes to urinate (aka, bringing the high heat), there is an unspoken rule as to how many times a guy can uh... how do you say..... dry off the wiggle stick. I have always gone by the "Rule of 3's". Three shakes is the limit before it's considered foreplay. But if you are going to exceed such a number you might as well.... uh..... nevermind.

But sometimes you just can't seem to take care of everything with 3 shakes. For some it may take up to 7 or 8 shakes to take care of business.

But you know you can shake it once or shake it 20 times, you're still going to get that one drop that that plans it untimely exit as your little king returns to his boxer kingdom. So the shake rule may not matter.

What about some other unofficial rules of bathroom etiquette? Like the rules about kiddie-size urinals. What do you do?

You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones that look like they were accidentally installed for an elementary school, the ones that look like they might be useful if for some reason you were to pee out of your knee. This demand resulted in several months of research and experimentation, in which my colleagues and I were able to come up with a series of questions which are useful in handling the kiddie-sized urinal situation appropriately.

Q1: Does the part of your male anatomy most crucial for peeing actually locate itself completely above the kiddie-sized urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 2.

Q2: Do you have to bend down to flush the urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 3.

Q3: Are you unable to see the urinal due to the protrusion of your stomach?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 4. (this might be a good rule of thumb for all urinals)

Q4: Would it be more comfortable for you to use the urinal standing on your knees?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, you check out ok. Go ahead and use that urinal!

One more that I'll handle right now: What do you do when there is two occupants using the urinal with two adjacent spaces next to them? Which one do you choose? Obviously you will just have to bite your lip and choose one. But before you approach the urinal of your choice, you go through this silent screening process. Does this guy seem like a good uripal? Would he be aggravated if I chose to pee beside him instead of the other guy? But you have to make this decision fairly quickly because the guys urinating notice your presence and would think of you as soon kind of pee stalker and this is how you get your kicks. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy.

Until next time, vaya con Dios. And uh... sorry about the material... it was on my mind and... uh... well, nevermind.

If coo were to make a bathroom...

Interesting... I wonder if you would have to appologize if the "two belly buttons" thing occured:

Man: Oh jeeze... I... uh..... it's cold in here. Don't judge me based on this, ladies! Please! Hold on... let me go to the blow dryer! (Turns it on)... See? It's all good now!

Stage fright, anybody? Performance anxiety, anyone?

What do my eyes see?

Thomas and Aaron uh.... singing..... surprise.

That fat bear makes me happy

For some reason I have been on this kick to retrace my entertainment roots. Just a blog post or two ago I mentioned something about Beakman's World. It was entertaining yet educational. Now there are many more shows and programs that I watched as a younger human being that I have "rediscovered". For instance, does anybody remember Duck Tales? Oh man, Duck Tales was awesome. I always wanted to have a money bin. Well, as long as it had a lot of money in it. Another show was Chip N' Dale's Rescue Rangers. I loved the rat dude that loved cheese. What was his name....? Anybody? Monterey Jack, I believe. Yeah, that's the ticket. Then you have that fly thing,.. Zipper. And that mouse chick that everybody was after, Gadget. She was definetly a "mouse hottie". What else....? Oh yeah! Darkwing Duck. What's the deal with Disney shows and ducks? Well, anyway, it was a good show, nonetheless. I remember that I liked this show but right now I don't remember a lot about it.And finally, and probably my favorite of them all, Tale Spin. That chubby bear and his mechanic, Wildcat, made me laugh. And Baloo's boss? Ms. Cunningham? Yeah, she was a hottie for a non-human cartoon. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Enough about long and most forgotten Disney cartoons. Now I'm at a friends house watching "Kicking and Screaming". And you know the best part? I GOT INVITED!! Yeah, that's right. You heard me right Elizabeth! I GOT INVITED! It wasn't the fact that I got invited to this particular place and by whom, it was that I simply got invited. Yeah, it may not be a big deal but I hate feeling like and outsider. I want to fit in. But not in a way where I would violate my ethical values. No sir. There had been plenty of times where I could have went out drinking with people in high school and in college. I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be wanted. That makes sense doesn't it?

Random thought of the day: Does everybody in China think that all Americans look alike?

The end is drawing Bill Nye

Anybody remember that show "Bill Nye the science guy"? It was alright but I preferred "Beakman's World". Beakman's world introduced me to the world of a rat, a Kramer look-alike, and some who-cares girl that taught me how inertia worked. My childhood was such a simpler time.

Today I officially ended my semester.... so I can relax slightly. I had two internet only classes and one once-a-week class. That once-a-week class was Techniques of Research. It's as boring as it sounds, believe me. It met on Thursday from 4:25 to 7 p.m. It's almost as bad as 8 a.m. classes. Almost. Before the semester started I was sort of afraid of internet only classes. Now I kinda enjoy them. The semester was more or less stress free besides a few times. Graduate school isn't so bad so far.

In other news, I'm an idiot. But that isn't news to some.

For some reason my eye keeps twitching... what's the deal. And my trucks keeps shocking the #$%*% out of me. Those two things may be related.

Hey Emily... you rock my right sock off. The left one almost was rocked off. But you were close.

30 years ago this week Bohemian Rhapsody reached #1. That song is the only song in pop history to have ever reached #1 twice by the same artist, both times selling a million copies. Queen rocks... I don't care who knows it.

Pancakes I will eat soon. Oh yes... pancakes. Fun will ensue.

Until next time, vaya con Dios.

Thundercats... whoa!

I was thinking about the Thundercats earlier. Was that random? Anyway, that was a great 'toon. I'm sure some of it cheesy now, but it was awesome back when they made it... 85 to 86. They only made 65 episodes. I'm totally getting the dvd's one of these days. Oh yes, one of these days.

I did my subbing duties again today. It was a very productive day. I took my computer with me and finished a paper that is due on Thursday. Plus I got paid while I did this. Life is just alright... considering. I wonder if someone will pay me for blogging? That would be sweet. That would be like Scott Spencer being paid to text message someone. If that was true, he could quit work and retire. He would be a millionaire. Or like when Jonathon says "sir" or "kindly". Millionaire. Or when Chris plays a song I've never heard of. Rich man. Or when a certain someone listens to U2. I wonder who that could be? Or when Rob talks about something mysterious. Move over Bill Gates. Ok... I'm finished.

And speaking of subbing.... During one of the classes I got an idea of how I could relay their assignment to them without me having to say a word. No, I didn't write anything on the chalk board or anything. Two words: Microsoft Sam. On most computers there is this thing where you can type in anything... and I mean ANYTHING.... and Microsoft Sam will say it in his little computer voice thing. It sounds just like Steven Hawking. What? Too soon? Anyway, I typed out their lesson plan into the text box and when they shut their pie hole I played it for them. I don't know if they thought it was funny or anything but I got a kick out of it. I think they were in a foul mood just because they actually had to do something. Oh well.

Updated 7-Day Relationship Forecast:
Wednesday- The sahara will see flood waters before I have a date.
Thursday- A 400 lb. woman with lepracy will laugh at you when you ask her if she's available.
Friday- The world's population decreases to me and Sally Struthers. She says no way.
Saturday- Even Rosy says no. (By the way, Rosy isn't a person.)
Sunday- I go to a Catholic church. The priest's look at me and decide that having sex with other guys is gross.
Monday- I receive my mail order bride. The only way she can become an American citizen is to marry me. She sees me and wants an annullment.
Tuesday- What's 7 minus 7? The number of girls who like me.

Random thought of the day: Some say that when you have a stomach ache that means that there is nothing in your stomach. So what does it mean when you have a headache?

My personal creed

I'm with you, Jesus!

Behind the scenes: Home Depot

Big 5 Bowling

Yes, it's has certainly been a while since the last Big 5 meeting (if anyone cares). But I hear that the fab five has recently gone bowling to The Laser Zone.

So, without further ado, here is The Big 5 Bowling:

The Big 5 approaches the doors entering The Laser Zone...

Kent: Jesus! It's cold! Two belly buttons, guys! Two belly buttons!
Jesus: Oh yeah! It's dank in the atmospheric temperature.
Ed: (singing) Friends will be friends. When you're in need of love they give you care and attention. Friends will be friends!
Pope John Paul II: For the love of Jesus' dad, shut up! (They arrive in front of the shut doors of The Laser Zone entrance)
Jesus: Hey guys, check this out! (Jesus motions his arms outward making the doors open supernaturally). My Jedi powers! Whadya think?
Seinfeld: What's the deal with Yoda?
Jesus: Just kidding. Moses taught me that trick during last years Super Bowl party. It was a heaven of a good time, let me tell thee.
(Everyone enters and goes to the counter where you purchase the games of bowling)
Ed: Yeah, we'd each like a single game of bowling, please. And, uh, the guy in the back will be paying for it. (Ed points toward Jesus).
Kent: (Singing) Jesus paid it all. All to him I owe...
Jesus: Just put it on my Master card.
(Everybody gets their shoes and heads toward lane 7)
PJP2: So, who should go first?
Jesus: I should go first. Like I said before in my most recent best seller, The Bible, "Follow Me".
Ed: Dang it! He always acts like He's "Mr. Perfect" or something.
(Everybody gets a bowling ball and prepares to bowl. Jesus is about to bowl His first ball.)
Jesus: (Thinking) Alright, Dad. If you help me win I promise to clean my room.
Pope: Hey guys. Do we really have a chance? I mean, He is God and all. And he's always bowled a 300. He's perfect.
Kent: We should do something to mess Him up. You know... to see if He's really good.
Seinfeld: Isn't there something wrong with that?
Ed: Nah, you should hear him make his computer make fun of people. THAT is wrong. This is nothing. You can mess with Him first, Jerry.
Seinfeld: But I don't WANNA mess with Jesus!
Kent: Pansy. I'll do it.
(Kent ponders then thinks of a good idea.)
Kent: Hey, Jesus! Satan just called and said he wrecked your Honda! What do you want me to say to him?
(The comment startles Jesus as he hurls the bowling ball down the lane. It goes in the gutter.)
Jesus: Ah! That's foul! You are totally going to Hell.
(Everybody laughs, except Kent, who is scared for his life now.)
(It's the last frame before the 10th and final frame and it's Ed's turn. Everybody's score is very close to one another. Ed rises up and grabs his bowling ball.)
Ed: My turn! Sweet. (Ed bowls. It's a strike.) Ah! What up, Jesus? Who's the man? There's no way you can come back now.
Jesus: Oh ye of little faith and intelligence. Prepare ye the way. (Jesus rises from his throne, grabs his bowling ball and bowls 3 strikes in a row.) It's a chicken!
PJP2: Uh.... Jesus? I believe it's called a "turkey".
Seinfeld: What's the deal with the little red thing on their face? (Everybody pauses and gives Seinfeld a blank look). What's everyone looking at?
(Everyone else bowls and nobody can reach Jesus' score of 301.)
Kent: Man, I got last, again. And how in the world did Jesus get a score of OVER 300?
Jesus: Hey, miracles happen.
(Everyone leaves while Seinfeld is trailing behind)
Seinfeld: What's the deal with airplane peanuts? What's the deal with leather jackets? What's the deal with........

THE END.

Two belly buttons and a house fire

I had only recently seen it on the news and on t.v. shows and movies. But never in person. It was really freaky too. Last night I saw my first live house fire. I was going to a friend's house to do some finals studying. I got to their house and saw somebody stopped at the top of the street that sported a slight incline (thus being at the top of such street). I wondered why somebody was stopped there and thought it was due to the slick streets. But it was the people whose house I was going to. They were stopped because they saw a house that was on fire and was calling the fire dept. Then they drove up to the house and told me about it because I couldn't see from my vantage point. I got out and walked up to the house. Well, I wasn't right next to it or anything. I was just across the street just watching it until the fire trucks got there.

I began to wonder as I was approaching the house if anybody was inside. I thought to myself, "What am I going to do if I know somebody is inside?" Would I be brave enough to go inside and try to save somebody's life? Even if it meant risking my own? Well, sooner did I think that when a guy said that the house didn't have anybody living inside of it. I wonder what I would have done.....?

This may sound bad but the worst thing about watching the fire was standing outside in the snow and 10 degree temperatures. It was so cold I imediately got a 2nd belly button, if you know what I mean. Male phenomena. Big time.

I subbed again out at Vanoss today. This time I was a History teacher. It was a productive day. I got to page 117 in my book while the students "worked" on their stuff. I think I'm still known to some as "the cool sub" or "mr. sub". But some others, I'm not so sure about after I gave them a bad report to their regular teacher while he was gone. They kept asking me, "Did you tell Mr. -------- that we talked all hour?" Or: "Why did I get in trouble? I didn't talk." Sorry. Gotta raise the B.S. flag on all that.

I hope that illustration worked.

Until next time, vaya con Dios.

I think I've met some of them...

The future UCM parking lot?

Sparks Fly

There must be something wrong with me. Every time I get out of my truck and touch the door to shut it, I get electrocuted. I could even have my leather jacket on and shut the door with my arm. And I still get fried. Every stinkin' time.

Now I think I'm developing a phobia to touch anything metal or appears to be a conductor of electricity.... including people. Am I part of some sort of government experiment? Should I see the X-Files people knocking on my door pretty soon?

Just imagine me looking like this guy whenever I shut the door.

Yeah, you can even see my bones, too.

But now it's not even the truck that shocks me. It's everything! DVD players, computers, TV's, people, action figure jesus, air, light switches, llamas, musicals, electric fences, water fountains, fire extinguishers, saddam tp, and blogs... OUCH!!

So, here's a picture representation of what jolts me with electrons:

There are more but this is basically the worst of them all. Especially that dang toilet paper.

Until next time, vaya con Dios.

The new Calvin

Replace "Liberals" with "Relationships" and you got a winner.

It's the end of C-SPAN as we know it, and I don't feel fine

All good things must come to an end, right? Despite my best efforts of "being myself", it didn't work out. So, once again "being myself" screwed me over. I kept telling myself not to get too excited. And I guess it worked. Even though I'm disappointed at the inevitable, it still hurts. Not to say that she did anything wrong. No. She was honest to me. I respect that. So my grief isn't against her. But once again I'm doubting myself and what I have to offer people. I'm like C-SPAN, you know. I only attract weird people and once every blue moon I get someone "interested" in me but it only occurs due to an accident or somebody else has the controller. What is it about me? And the thing is I knew this was going to happen. I always see it about to happen. I've got a keen eye for this kind of thing. What a weird sixth sense I have.

It's just so frustrating having to start over again. Every first date I have (few and far between, mind you) I'm wishing it will be my last one. What's wrong with that? And when is this opportunity going to happen again? Like I said, few and far between. I guess I have to settle for being "just friends" once again. Man....... just when I thought I saw a distant rainbow on the horizon. I guess I have to keep on walking to find the next one. But I'm afraid this is going to be one of those Moses in the desert kind of adventures. I better bring sunscreen.

Everytime I'm around Bryan or Megan or one of my friends who is "loved", I always long for what they have. "Why not me?", I constantly ask myself. What am I doing wrong? Is it my appearance? My attitude? The way I walk? My asthma? My flat feet? My "Queen" addiction? My messy room? My truck(s)? My beliefs? My way of playing the drums? My cologne? My shoulder freckles? My education? My fractured left index finger? My movie taste? My family? My favorite food choice? My lack of confidence? My career? My pants? My shoestrings? My hair? My friends? My home? My computer? My ex-girlfriends? My addictions and chains? Me?

So call it greed, call it what you want. We all want to be loved. Tell me what's wrong with that.

Am I pathetic? Am I too focused on finding somebody? Do I define myself by who I have around me? Or not have around me? Is my life about whose hand I want to hold?

So here's a lesson to all of you: Think you're happy? Wait. It will change. Just like Oklahoma weather.

And now it's back to what I'm used to. Everything I hate. Welcome back this world of loneliness and longing. I'm back. I'll make myself at home once again. No, you better keep the light on. I'll turn it off when I'm ready. G'night.